Sound Jokes / Recent Jokes

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquartersnear Paris found English to be an easy language... until they tried topronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses belowwere devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six monthsat hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF======================Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain.(Mind the latter, how it's written.)Now I surely will not plague youWith such words as plaque and ague.But be careful how you speak:Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.Hear more...

My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, Ive never heard it get thrown out a window before.

A woman goes to Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. Not knowing which one to get, she just grabs one and takes it over to the cash register where she finds an 'associate' standing there with dark shades on.
"Excuse me, sir," she says, "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
"Ma'am, I'm blind," he replies, "but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She really doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a great all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter," she replies in surprise. "I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
Just as he's about to ring it up on the register, the woman farts. At first she's embarrassed, but more...

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brothe we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his more...

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,' Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

What does a gay frog sound like?
"RUBIT"

What does a japenese artist sound like when he sneezes?
"HI-CUE"

WHY do bald people put holes in there pockets?
So they can rub there fingers through their hair"

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smells would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural function and then would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out." That is until one more...