Solutions Jokes

In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."
Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised more...

Christmas controversies & various solutions
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:Live tree, planted after use
MALE:Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE:Six large clumps of tinsel on front of more...

Dr M has great difficulty trying to find solutions to his country's economic and currency problems. He knows his brain isn't working well now. So he decides to go to the United States to have a brain transplant. He thought that with a new brain, he can think better and can find better solutions to the problems. The neurosurgeon asked Dr M if he wanted a cheap brain or an expensive one. Cheap brains are Singapore brains while the expensive ones are Malaysian brains. Dr M was simply overjoyed. He could not stop laughing. He said' At last, we have something more valuable than they have!' While smiling from ear to ear, and out of curiosity, he asked the neurosurgeon,' but why are Singapore brains so cheap and Malaysian brains so expensive?' The neurosurgeon replied' Oh, its very simple. These Singaporeans really overused their brains. They don't just plan 1 or 5 years ahead. They plan a generation ahead. Malaysians, on the other hand, hardly use their brains. These brains are virtually more...

Editor's Note: It's dry parody. You gotta really like sci-fi to enjoy this one...

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Experiment 8 Postflight Summary
NASA publication 14-307-1792
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ABSTRACT

The purpose of this experiment was to prepare for the expected participation in long-term space based research by husband-wife teams once the US space station is in place. To this end, the investigators explored a number of possible approaches to continued marital relations in the zero-G orbital environment provided by the XXXXXX shuttle mission.

Our primary conclusion is that satisfactory marital relations are within the realm of possibility in zero-G, but that many couples would have difficulty getting used to the approaches we found to be most satisfactory.

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INTRODUCTION

The more...

M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday
to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it
repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a
thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered
the nut-breaking, 28. 8 V. 34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern
Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical
solutions to his more...