Society Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.
On his way up to the podium the more...

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.
He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of it's cage. The man didn't want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.
Now here's the clincher... the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!
Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case... so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!
Only in America....
Courtesy of Dateline NBC...

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of it's cage. The man didn't want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.
Now here's the clincher... the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!
Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case... so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!
Only in America....
Courtesy of Dateline NBC...

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.A bus carrying five more...

The head psychiatrist at a local mental hospital was examining patients to see whether they were ready to re-enter society.
"Well, John," the doctor said to one of the patients, "I see by your chart that you have been recommended for dismissal. Have you given any thought to what you might do once you are released?"
John thought for a few moments, then replied, "I did go to school for mechanical engineering. That still appears to be a good field which pays well. Then again, I was even thinking about writing a book about my experiences as a patient here. There may be a lot of people who would be interested in reading a book like that. I may even go back to college and study art history. I've grown quite interested in that lately."
"They all sound like very intriguing possibilities," the doctor said.
"Thank you," replied John. "and the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue to be a teapot."

If you can imagine a society in which the computer- robot is the only menial, you can imagine anything.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.