Smith Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50, 000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible. ”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but. . . ”
“But, what? ”
“Let me put it this way, ” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed. ”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so? ”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away. ”

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.""We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off.""Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not' spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said' Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?""Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.""Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

Mrs. Smith went to her doctor for a complete medical. After examining her, he says, "Mrs. Smith, all in all for a woman of 50 you're very healthy, except for one problem. You're 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I strongly suggest you diet now to avoid complications in later years."
Looking at him sternly, she says, "Doctor, I demand a second opinion."
"Ok, fine," he replies. "You're fucking ugly too!"

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs". Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the more...