Slice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
"Man," the Chinese man says. "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the Italian says. "If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the redneck says. "If I get another ham 'n' cheese sandwich in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody's crying.
"This is all my fault!" says the Chinese man's wife. "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
"This is all my fault!" says the Italian's wife. "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He packed his own lunch."

The dream.
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn`t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. more...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were golfing one day. Moses teed off first and hit a wicked slice into the pond. Unflustered, Moses walked down to the pond, raised his staff (er, club) and the waters parted. Moses walked to his ball and chipped it up onto the green.
Jesus was up next and hit the same ugly slice into the pond. But when the ball hit the water, it didn't sink. Jesus walked across the water to the ball, and calmly chipped it up onto the green.
The old man went next, and sure enough he hit the same slice towards the pond. But just before the ball could hit the water a fish leaped up and caught the ball in its mouth. A huge bird swooped out of the sky and caught the fish in its mighty talons. As the bird flew over the green, a lightening bolt flashed out of the sky and hit the bird. The fish dropped from the sky, and landed on the green. The ball popped out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one.
At this, Jesus turned to the old man and more...

Teacher: If you cut an apple into four pieces it is called quarters. And if you slice it into eight pieces it is called eights. What is it called when you slice it into eight thousand parts?

Student: Applesauce.

One day a mom asked her son if he would to the butcher's to get some meat for dinner. So he went to the butcher's and asked for some ham, but they said they were all out, so he asked for some turkey but they were out so he asked for some pork, but there was no pork, so he asked for bologna, but there were out. So for the last time he asked for any meat at all, but no meat at all! He had to bring his mother some meat or she would be disappointed in him, so he got a knife when the butcher was not looking and went into the bathroom and then slice! His right buttcheek was gone! So they had it that night. The next day the mom said, "That was good meat, I want some more." So he grabbed the knife from a kitchen drawer, went to the bathroom and slice! His left buttcheek was gone, and they had it that night for dinner! The next morning his mother asked, "Can you get some more of that meat?" So he grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer, and went up to the bathroom and more...

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled.

"He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"