Sleigh Jokes / Recent Jokes

While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer. Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does! You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking. Betty Ford releases him on December 24th. After each child, he has a Jello Shot. This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree. Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:' 'These more...

You think you got it bad? All night long, soot in the chimneys,
smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving
all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs.
Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got you-know-what over Albuquerque
and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleigh
unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball
I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pee'd my pants at 20, 000 feet
and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I
itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS, your a**.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole more...

1. Santa’s Workload
There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Budist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3. 5 children per household, that’s 85. 7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 767. 9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1, 000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house. ”

2. The Time/Distance Factor
Assuming that these 91. 8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we’re talking about. 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75. 5 million more...

' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't more...