Sixty-five Jokes

Ted, fresh out of business school, was being interviewed for a job as an accountant. The interviewer was a very nervous man who ran the small business he had started by himself.
The man said, "What I'm in need of is someone with an accounting degree. Mainly, I'm looking for someone who will do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" Ted said.
"I worry about many things, but I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job would be to take all the financial worries off my back," replied the man.
"OK. How much does the job pay?" asked Ted.
"To start, sixty-five thousand dollars," was the man's reply.
"Sixty-five thousand dollars!" exclaimed Ted. "How on earth can such a small business afford a salary like that?"
"That, Ted, is your first worry!" was the reply.

Ya know... the older I get, the less I crave things I have to stand in line for.
Years ago, when my daughter was dating, she couldn't decide what to get her boyfriend as a birthday present.
"Dad?" she asked, "If you were going to be sixteen this Thursday, what would you want?"
"Not another thing." I sighed, "Not another damn thing."
Trust me on this one - you'll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, & of course, lie like hell about your age.
So far, the ones who have been able to get the most out of Mrs JimJr's and my middle-age years have been the Grandchildren.
Social Security agent to applicant: "Sir, I'm sorry, feeling sixty-five isn't enough; you must actually BE sixty-five.
We've had a swimming pool for some time, now though I think I watch the Grandkids play more than I do jump in with them. I was wondering just this past summer more...

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny
"When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen
"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are." - Milton Berle
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." - George Burns
"You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West
"I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins." - Charlie Chaplin
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
"I don't feel more...

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "Sure. They're sixty-five million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, they were sixty-five million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."