Shoot Jokes / Recent Jokes
There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, "I'm goin' hunting".
She says, "Oh, no, your not, we are married now."
The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go hunting." So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together.
They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer."
She replies, "OK". So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife.
He looks up in the deer stand and does not see her, so he looks around and sees his wife poised and waiting to shoot this poor man who is scared out of his mind. The hunter says, "Honey, what are you doing?"
The man says, "Look mister, if she says it is her deer more...
Editor's Note: If you find these funny, heed the advice of William Shattner, "Get a life!"
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Q. How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. All of them
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Q. How many Cardassians does it take to change a light blub?
A. Three, because there are four lights!
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Q: How many Cardassians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4. One to change the light bulb, and one to shoot him and take the credit, two more for disposing the body out an airlock, and 100 credits each to hire them.
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Ed: (Dang, I got the first Cardassian one... shoot me now...)
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the more...
Which language is right for you?
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN. COLT(45), AIM AT LEG. FOOT, THEN WITH ARM. HAND. FINGER ON HANDGUN. COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN. COLT TO HIP. HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you more...
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale.It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease.An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, more...
You can`t shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.(Tennessee Dumb Laws)
TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
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18. more...