Seamus Jokes

It seems that Pat, who was 88 had been feelin` poorly for the past few months. One day his son Seamus convinced him to go see the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor brought Pat and Seamus into his office. "I`ve got bad news for Pat, your heart`s near given out and you`ve only two months to live." Pat was stunned but after a few minutes he turns to his son and says,"I`ve had a good long life and if the Lord wants me then I`ve no complaints." "Let`s be off to the Pub where I`m after havin` a pint with me friends." Arriving at the pub a few of his cronies spy Pat "Ah Patty how are you feelin` today", says one. "Not good Mike, I`ve been to the doctors and he says I`ve two months to live." "What a shame," says Mike, "and what`s ailin ya"? "The doctor says I have the aids." After a few moments Seamus gets his irish father alone and says, "Da, it`s not aids that ya have, it`s a heart condition." more...

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler. .."Seamus. .. Seamus. .. the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back. .. that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here. . but since we more...

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of' em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the more...

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."