Scottish Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a Scottish man, an English man and an Indian man all on a plane. The pilot said, on my count press the red parachute button. So the Scottish man survived as he pressed the button,then the English man survived as he also pressed the red button. Finally the Indian man died as his red button was on his forehead!! ITS NOT WORKING he yelled as he fell to the ground!

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing? 10,000 and would give a reward of? 100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall Wee Hughie shouted, "I`ll give? 150!"

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

On day two budies had no place to stay in. They saw a farm and decided to stay there.They knocked on the door and a elderly scottish man answered.The two budies asked
can they stay over one night.The old scottish man repieid "
Yes, but you cant touch me daughter"
.So they stayed, and ingnoring the old dudes request they had sex with his 18 year old daughter.The old guy found out and the next day he told the guys to go out and bring back their favorite fruit.They did so.One came back with ten grapes.The scottish man said"
I found out you and your friend did touch me daughter, now you will pay!"
The old guy got the ten grapes and stuck them up the guys ass.The poor guy was screaming.But then he started laughing.The old guy said "
Why are you laughing! I just pushed ten grapes up you ass!"
The guy said"
Its that my freind is out there getting a watermellon"