Rules Jokes / Recent Jokes
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.
THE RULES*
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.
The female always makes the rules.
These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
The female has every right to be more...
Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a' good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a' great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's more...
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.
If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10.
The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with more...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 7. Crying is blackmail. 8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 9. We don't more...