Remove Jokes / Recent Jokes

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
No, outside!"
Call someone to help clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with large, more...

From the Sydney Morning Herald

An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the surname GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport
experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various other flights. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders, boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting she asked a startled more...

This is how Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. more...

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down more...

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the more...

A old Irish woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, to a photographer and asked him if he could touch it up as it was the only photo she had to remember him by. The Photographer assured her that when he finished with the photo she would think it had just been developed. He also asured her that he could remove all the wrinkles and the scratches from the photo and asked her if that was all she wanted done on the photo to which she replied, well he’s wearing his old rubber wellington boots and I never really cared for them, could you do something about that. The photographer said he could make it look like he had his sunday best shoes on. She was really delighted and asked him if he could do something with the old moth eaten jumper her husband was wearing in the photo to which he said he could make it look like a new jumper. By this time she was really overjoyed and said that she never liked the hat he had on and wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from more...

Here's a recipe to make Mom's famous brownies!
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat more...