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Mom's Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased more...

These two Austrians were walking through a wide African desert (do not ask me how they got there - I do not know).
After a while one of them says: "Why are we walking through this desert just for this senseless joke. Let us build a bridge!"
The other one agrees and they do so (what else?).
When later arriving at the airport the second one says: "We idiots! Why did we build a bridge in a desert where there is no water just for the sake of this joke."
"Hey, you are right", the other one said, "let us go back and remove it again."
On approaching their monument the first one says: "Oh, just forget it. We cannot remove this bridge."
"Hey, why?", asked the other guy.
"Look up, there are two Swiss standing on our bridge trying to catch a fish!"

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

This is how Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the more...

Joke - How to uninstall AOL.
Follow these steps precisely, and proceed to the next step only after discovering that AOL is still installed.
1. Uninstall AOL through AOL's built-in uninstaller.
2. Uninstall AOL through Add/Remove Programs.
3. Do a System Restore to a date before you had AOL installed.
4. Give up and reinstall Windows.
5. Reinstall Windows again because it crashed halfway through.
6. Scream wildly. Swearing is appropriate in this instance.
7. Format the drive completely.
8. Reinstall Windows from scratch, and find a perfectly clean desktop with nothing except the "My Computer", "Recycle Bin" and "AOL" icons on your desktop.
9. Turn off computer, and physically remove hard drive. Run a large magnet over hard drive, then run it over with a 20-ton steamroller, then take hard rive to nearest data recovery company, where they'll politely tell you that they were unable to recover the spreadsheet that you more...

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since his wife was out of town when the equipment arrived, he decided to test it out on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Before long, he realized that the machine provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over though, he realized that he wasn't able to remove the machine from his penis.
He read the manual from front to back but couldn't find any helpful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still wasn't successful. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just purchased one of your company's milking machines. It works great, but I can't figure out how to remove it from the cow's udder," he said.
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine is programmed to release automatically once it has collected two gallons."

The following are excerpts from various American Medical Journals. Prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing and sick (But all are true)

You have been warned!!!!!



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FEMALE SOFA: A 500-pound woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH!

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A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his arms around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her mouth to clamp down more...