Puns Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a snail who went to a car dealership one day. The dealer came out and asked "How can I help you?"

"Well," says the snail, "I want a car, but not just any car. I want it to be the fastest car you have."

"Okay," the dealer replied, "Anything else?"

"Yes," the snail said. "Could you paint it green with bright yellow S's on it?"

"Um, okay. It will be ready by next week. Come get it then."

"Great," said the snail and he left.

The following week, the snail returned and was overjoyed to see his bright green new car with yellow S's on it. The dealer looked at him and said "Just one question. Why did you want our fastest car painted bright green car with S's on it?"

The snail replied, "So that when people are walking down the street, they will turn and look and say' Look at that S car go!!!'"

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.

'Is this yours?' he shouted up.

She said,' Yes, that's my eye! I'm so sorry! Could you please bring it up?' The man agreed and went up.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said,' I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?'

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said,' I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?'

The man hesitated then said,' Do you act like this with every man you meet?'

'No,' she replied,' Only those who catch my eye!'

A woman, desperate for work, applies for a job. The manager goes over her impressive resume but explains that they have nothing worthy of her background. The distraught woman pleads she will take anything. The manager is sympathetic. She is offered a low-skilled job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo assembly line.

Her duties are explained and she is to start the next day. Not even an hour into her first day on the job, there's a frantic knock on the manager's door. The foreman is crazed and drags the manager to the assembly line. Sure enough, things are a royal mess. Elmos are piling up everywhere. At the end of the line is the new worker. She has a bolt of fabric and a large box of marbles. They are both stunned. They watch as she fashions a small bag, inserts two marbles and sews it between Elmo's legs.

Eventually the manager understands what has happened. "Dear woman you misunderstood me yesterday. I just want you to give each Elmo two test tickles."

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. more...

There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished, looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby. The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure satisfaction.

The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself,"Well, if he can do it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in the lake. What is the moral of the story?

Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy...

My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist
because he would have to be “de-furred”.

The Horses are at the gate:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry


And away they go:

Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk anties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs, Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.

In the back stretch:

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

Around the final turn:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got more...