Procedure Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can`t taste nothin`, I can`t tell the truth, and I can`t remember nothin` besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back, and made of two capsules full with cowdung, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shit." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you`re certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you`re memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.


There are several kinds of doctors, and it is more...

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to more...

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators. In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and more...

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. Easy, she replied. He only has one eye. The chief was stunned. He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it! He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. He only has one ear, was her answer. What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side! He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer. After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, He`s wearing contact lenses. This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn`t more...

A man walked in to his physician's office, and asked to be castrated.
"I beg your pardon?" the doctor asked, slightly aghast.
"I've thought about this for a long time, and I've decided I want to go through with it." The man says calmly.
"You want to be castrated." The doctor said, stil not quite understanding.
"Yes. That's right. I want to be castrated."
The doctor tried to talk his patient out of the decision, but the man was adamant. He was unwaivering in his desire to be castrated. The doctor, seeing the man was resolute, sighed and put him in touch with a good plastic surgeon.
The surgeon was equally aghast, but after having the man sign a multitude of forms, agreed to perform the procedure.
The day of surgery arrived, and the man was in very good spirits. He was clearly looking forward to being castrated. Everyone was completely puzzled but as this clearly was what he wanted, they all shook their heads and went more...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.' The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,' Well, how much does a brain cost?'The Doctor quickly responded,' $25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,' Why is the male brain so much more?'The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group,' It's just standard pricing procedure. more...

Solitaire ‘99
Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft’s latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire ‘98
README file, v4. 3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire ‘98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as “long filenames! ”
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*
Solitaire ‘98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.

System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive more...