Pretty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A successful, wealthy, bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault...
"YOU STUPID HICK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contemt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2, 000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1, 000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves.... IT'S HOMEMADE..."
The lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, "You still more...

Two guys were walking down the sidewalk in their neighborhood, and one turned to the other and asked "Did you hear about the new girl who moved into the old King house?
"No" replied the other guy "is she pretty?"
"She like a brickhouse!" answered the guy, "and every brick is in the right place!"

These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake. They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, "I got something, I got something!"So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, "If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish." Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree. The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, "I want you to double my IQ." The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had been working on for months. So the next scientist thinks that's pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, "I want you to tripple my IQ." So the Mermaid says, "No problem." snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS more...

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers... The questions are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i. e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. more...

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"She said, "Do you like sex?"I said, "Of course I like sex."She said, "Do you like to travel?"I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."She said, "Then fuck off."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Pleasedescribe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertainsuspicions as to your wifes fidelity.""Well, Im pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturallywhen I am home, Im attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued,"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in theapartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, Cant you at least stop allthat racket on the weekends?

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: May I see you pretty soon?
Woman: Don't you think I'm pretty now?
Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Let's start with your bank account.
Man: May I have the last dance?
Woman: You've just had it.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Is this seat more...