Present Jokes / Recent Jokes

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes more...

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily
Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect more...

>> >> >A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training
>>session.
>> >> >Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a
>>good trip.
>> >> >
>> >> >The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to
>>bring for
>> >> >you?
>> >> >
>> >> >The husband laughs and says: An English girl! !!
>> >> >
>> >> >The woman kept quiet and left.
>> >> >
>> >> >Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
>> >> >So, honey, how was the trip?
>> >> >Very good, thank you.
>> >> >And, what happened to my present?
>> >> >Which present?
>> >> >what I asked for: the English girl?!
>> >> >
>> >> >Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
>>months to
>> >> >see if its a girl! !!
>> >> >

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records and actually happened…
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me. ”
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it more...

National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name ________________
2. Present Address ____________________
3. Age ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
application)
5. Present Occupation ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like "little, little" boys?)
7. Professional Qualifications ______________________________
(Can you cook, sew, clean and other things male chauvinist
elves get off on?)
8. References ______________________________
(No religious references please. They tend to lead us astray.)
9. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting a
reindeer?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (if yes, you need not apply!)
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting more...

EggNoggVille (pronounced Egga Nogga Ville)
Christmas in the Florida Keys
Adapted from Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville by a friend.

Livin' on fruit cake,
watchin' the sun bake,
all of them snowbirds covered with oil.
Strummin' my six string,
on my front porch swing,
singin' Christmas songs from days of old.
CHORUS
Wastin' away in Egga Nogga Ville,
Didn't get a Christmas present at all
Some people claim that Santa Claus is to blame,
but I know, it's nobody's fault.
Put on my flip flops,
drove to a park lot,
threw a tree on my car then I cruised on back home.
Where there's rum in the blender,
with milk and eggs it will render,
that chilly concoction that helps me hang on.
CHORUS
Wastin' away in Egga Nogga Ville,
Didn't get a Christmas present at all
Some people claim that Santa Claus is to blame,
but I know, it's nobody's fault.
Don't know the reason,
I'm more...

Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write "Frosty told me you were bad this year so all you get is snowman poop!"
Fold the paper twice and, with a paper clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of your favorite persons.