Policeman Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests. ‘While we’re doodling, ’ he points out, ‘he is making his getaway. ’ ‘Relax, ’ says the game-theorist policeman. ‘He’s got to figure it out too, don’t he? ’”

One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spotoverlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple insidewith the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver'sseat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seatcalmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man lookedup, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?""What are you doing?" the policeman asked."What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm readingthis magazine."Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer thenasked, "And what is she doing?"The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she'sknitting a sweater."Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?""I'm nineteen," he replied."And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and more...

A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please dont do that! !!"The salesman said, "Why not? " and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics. Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didnt want to be late for my trial.

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love.

" The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn`t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

" So the old man says, "I know! I`m crying because I don`t remember where I live!"

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's more...