Plan Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The more...

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.
The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.
The doctor says: 'Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up SO quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.'
'Oh, I see' says the intern.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.
Again, he asks the doctor 'What is up with THAT?' The doctor says: 'Same condition, better medical plan.'

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.
'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'
'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'
'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'
Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where more...

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don`t know what it`s a plan for. There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. There is always one more bug. There is always one more idiot than you counted on. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious. There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

Managed Friendship PlanWelcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features. How Does It Work? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff. What's Wrong with my Current Friends? If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will more...

Q: What is Clintons plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

rk Twain's plan for the improvement of spelling