Piece Jokes / Recent Jokes

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They more...

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They more...

Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I
am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me
going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.
Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must
try this on their bed.
Day 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors
with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly
hours of the night.
Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their more...

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient`s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can`t you see I`m sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He`s my friend, but he`s a little crazy. He thinks he`s a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2`s face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he`s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Walking into the kitchen, little Johnny saw that his mother was baking a cake. "Mom, I'm going to go to my room and play for a couple of hours. I sure would love a piece of that cake when it's baked."
After the cake was baked and had cooled down, Johnny's mother took him a piece.
"Wow, he was right. It worked!" exclaimed little Johnny.
"What do you mean?" asked his puzzled mother.
"Well," replied little Johnny, "Daddy said to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first."

A guy is having breakfast when his wife comes on down and is mad as hell at him. He asks why she's mad... She says that she found a piece of paper with the name MARILU on it... He pauses and says: Honey that is a tip on a horse that ran last week at the track when he went with his friends, she calms down somewhat. Next morning she comes down really mad this time and starts slapping him he asks what the hell got her so mad this time; she says THE HORSE JUST CALLED YOU.

You might not be able to tell by looking at me, but I'm not a handyman. I'm not a fix-it guy at all.

I'm the kind of person that looks at a rolled up piece of pink fiberglass insulation and thinks "Wow, that kinda looks like a big piece of sushi!"

I only know to call it "fiberglass insulation" because I had the opportunity to work along side my father-in-law, a contractor.
Imagine my surprise when one day, we were renovating my house, he turned to me and said "Josh. You hammer like lightning."
I was psyched, until I realized that lightning never hits the same spot twice.