Picard Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
    Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttle craft
    Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
    Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his forehead
    Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
    Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
    Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
    Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
    Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
    Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

    TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
    10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."
    9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
    8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
    7) One word: Lightsabers.
    6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
    5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
    4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
    3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
    2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "SlaveI."
    1) Picard pilots the more...

    TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.7) One word: Lightsabers.6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "SlaveI."1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse more...

    If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation... By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, more...

    Picard: "Data... I understand that you have installed the latest version of Windows 95 into your positronic brain. Was this wise to do?"Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters."Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission."Data: "Yes, sir."(5 minutes later)Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage."Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir."Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade."Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?"Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir."Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!"Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?"Picard: "Well, of course more...

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