Performance Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't.Law #12: Manufacturer's more...

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out. Well, here it is:
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES more...

Delhi
15-Oct-2006
To
Juliet
Grade 7. 0 S. M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.
Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, more...

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive rowing race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they both felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile! Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultants' finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing (Working) and eight people steering (Freeloading ). After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. (i. e., US Government! !!) So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's structure was complete reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three more...

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS - I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense:
I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2!
"Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95"?!?!?!?
"Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!"
#1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!!
- Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
.. Bugs come in through open Windows.
..Windows NT Performance", on the next "In Search Of"
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Bugs come in through Open Windows
Chernobyl used Windows
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #F99 - CPU more...

Dearest Ms Julie Yeh,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with
you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting
held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present
myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three
months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of
course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job
training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from
lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would
initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance,
I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded
enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving
this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled more...