Pens Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Yesterday, I helped my mother-in-law get set up on email for the first time. She got frustrated from time to time. Upon reflection, I decided that frustration was perfectly understandable. Imagine trying to learn to write a letter for the first time...
    Me: Ok, to write a letter, the first thing you need is a piece of paper and a pen.
    Tarzan: What are those?
    Me: Paper is flat stuff that is made from tree pulp, sort of like a very small blackboard. Pens are sticks that write, sort of like chalk but smaller and in darker colors.
    Tarzan: Is this paper?
    Me: Ah, yes, that is paper, but you don't want to write a letter on that, that's my paycheck.
    Tarzan: Why can't I use this?
    Me: Well, that's a representation of money that I... uh, never mind. Just don't write on that. Look, here's a piece of paper that you can write on.
    Tarzan: What about a pen?
    Me: Pens are like little sticks. Do you see anything on this desk that
    looks
    like a little stick? Uh, more...

    Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

    1. Introduction

    The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

    2. Food

    In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

    a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

    If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the
    davenport. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
    rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag is good.
    DOORS: About them...
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
    stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door
    is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can
    change your mind.
    When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in
    and half-out and think about several things (particularly
    important during very cold weather or mosquito season).
    Doors swinging: Avoid.
    GUESTS: About them...
    After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the
    dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded.
    The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when there
    isn't company!"
    Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap
    during the evening. You will know him because he will call
    you more...

    a supposedly true story from:
    Bermant, G. (1976). Sexual behavior: Hard times with the Coolidge
    Effect. In M. H. Siegel & H. P. Zeigler (Eds.), /Psychological
    Research: The inside story/ (pp. 76-103). New York: Harper & Row.
    One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government
    farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
    When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in
    charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of
    times," was the reply. "Please tell that to the President," Mrs.
    Coolidge requested.
    When the President passed the pens and was told about the
    roosters, he asked, "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr.
    President, a different one each time." The President nodded
    slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

    Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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