Knitting Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

    A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
    "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

    A Cat's Guide: TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
    CHAIRS AND RUGS:
    If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
    DOORS:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
    After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
    GUESTS:
    Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.
    For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing.
    For the guest who claims, "I love more...

    There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

    Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

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