Patrick Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

    Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

    "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside' em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

    The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

    So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

    Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.
    So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.
    Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care."
    The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn."
    So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.
    Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"
    The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this."
    So the third Englishman walked over to more...

    THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you more...

    Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands,
    but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
    Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."
    Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."
    Mary: "It's so terrible."
    Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?"
    Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money
    in sight.."
    Patrick: "So, what is it?"
    Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn... prostitute!"
    Patrick: "WHAT!"
    Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"
    Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul!
    How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"
    Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could
    still love me, even though I had been a whore."
    Patrick: more...

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