Patient Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jack and Don were patients in a mental hospital. As they were walking past the hospital pool one day, Jack suddenly dove into the deep end. He quickly sank to the bottom of the pool and remained there.
Without hesitation, Don jumped into the pool to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jack out.
Upon hearing of Don's heroic act, the medical director ordered that he be immediately discharged from the hospital as he felt Don was okay and no longer required hospitalization.
"We have good news and bads news for you, Don," the director said. "The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump into the pool and save another patient, you must be mentally stable."
The director continued, "The bad news is the patient that you saved hung himself and died."
"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Don replied. "I hung him up to dry!"

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'' ''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives. ''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?'' ''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.''

A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my testicles has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other testicle has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. more...

your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an more...

Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
“Listen, ” says the Doc, “I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks. ”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
“Doc! I took your advice and it more...