Past Jokes / Recent Jokes
Computerized Payroll January 1, 2005
Dear (enter employee name here)
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9, 400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8, 277, 432. 22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1, 200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
- A collaborative effort written over lunch
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This past weekend, President Clinton was visiting the
Hamptons, New York's tony beach resort -- where the rich and
famous have there summer homes -- for several Democratic party
fund raisers which were hosted by well known celebrities such
as Kim Bassinger as well as by some of Wall Street's biggest
financiers.
During his stay in the Hamptons, President Clinton was invited
to stay at the Georgica Pond Estate of Steven Spielberg, the
most famous producer of the past 20 years.
It has been learned from inside sources close to the
president, that after all of the parties were over,
Bill and Steve retired to the library and discussed some
possible remakes of films to reflect modern times.
While many names are still being kept quiet, our sources have
indicated that the following titles will be remade during more...
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left reartire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another cargoes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lugnuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab whenhe hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of theinmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the otherthree wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garageor something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizesthe plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that waspretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, notbecause I'm stupid."
A letter workers may receive after Y2K...
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time
over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees
are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of
time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of
service.
Please either take 9, 400 days off work or notify our office and
your next pay check will reflect payment of $8, 277, 432. 22 which
will include all pay and interest for the past 1, 200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing