Pants Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man was seated at a bar next to a gorgeous woman who just happened to be wearing the tighest pants he had ever seen.
He couldn't take his eyes off her and kept staring until she finally asked him what was wrong.
"I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous but, I was wondering, how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?" he asked.
Smiling at him seductively, she replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink!"
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and more...
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage more...
One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do
her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them more...
1. Your 'Imbruglia' hairdo has turned into a 'Bronwyn Bishop'... and you've stopped caring.
2. You have absolutely no idea where you're shoes are.
3. The "Chicken Dance Song" seems like a really good tune.
4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't stop for you.
5. You've started having a row with yourself. Out loud.
6. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum... And it was wet.
7. You bump into people on their way to work.
8. You keep dancing into people and you've fallen off the podium - twice.
9. They've stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.
10. You've been flashing your boobs at passers by.
11. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options.
12. You start crying.
13. You can't stop.
14. There are less than three hours before you're due to start more...
The doc told Bob that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's more...
Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? - So people can read her lips.