Pains Jokes / Recent Jokes
John and Betty had only been married a couple of weeks when Betty started to complain about a burning sensation and pains in her chest. Concerned that it may be something serious, John insisted that she see the doctor as soon as possible.
Betty arranged an appointment with the doctor and saw him the following morning.
While he was at work, John received a phone call from the doctor, "I'm sorry to say your wife has acute angina," the doctor said.
"Yes, I know," John replied, "She has a nice set of tits too!"
When a married couple arrived at the hospital to have their baby delivered, the doctor informed them of a new machine he had invented. He explained that the machine would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pains to the father of the baby, and asked if they would be willing to try it out. They both agreed to give it a try.
To begin, the doctor set the knob of the machine at 10 percent, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced in the past. As labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the knob to 20 percent pain transfer and still, the husband felt fine.
The doctor checked his blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing, so they decided to bump it up to 50 percent.
Even at 50 percent, the husband continued to feel fine. Since it appeared to be helping his wife out considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain more...
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I haven't been feeling well at all. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink very much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "No, I never touch a drop."
"What about smoking?" the doctor asked.
"Never," the man replied. "Tobacco is bad and I have very strong principles against it."
"Well, do you have much of a sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Gracious, no!" the man exclaimed. "Sex is a sin. I'm in bed by 10pm every night and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head!"
"That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!" said the doctor.
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
The following are excerpts from various American Medical Journals. Prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing and sick (But all are true)
You have been warned!!!!!
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FEMALE SOFA: A 500-pound woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH!
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A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his arms around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her mouth to clamp down more...
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?""Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.""That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.""Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.