Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear IRS:
Enclosed are my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Enclosed please find four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article: HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car". The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle." Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter." Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself. His dad more...

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this
trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. Your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a lot of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. You have no job satisfaction.
9. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
10. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
11. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
12. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
16. You know more...

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?"
says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your more...