Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. How did this happen? The doctor asked. ”Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied. ”Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? ”
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6, 000 for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3, 000 to get my teeth straightened.
Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the more...

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your more...

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.

On a recent vacation, I came upon the following news item in
the March 15 Blue Springs, Missouri, Examiner:
PICK 3
ST. LOUIS-The winning numbers drawn Tuesday night in the daily
Missouri Lottery Pick 3 game were 9-9-9.
A winning $1 ticket with the numbers in the correct order paid $500; a
winning $1 ticket with the numbers in any order paid $160.

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

"You could do worse." "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there." "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start." "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason." "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last." "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault." "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't" "I can go all day without peeing once." "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me." "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath." "I won't sue you when you fire me." "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies." "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? "I was a sniper in the more...

The plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy class gets up
and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will
have to sit back in her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and
I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in
economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and
I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land more...