Out Jokes / Recent Jokes
Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and more...
Sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping,
Your phone.
He's buggin your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And runnin a tail
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone
He hears you in the bedroom
Surveils you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So you mustn't assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone...
Once an American, a Japanese & Satharji were lost in an island, then when they were finding a way out a small bottle came to the shore from the sea. They all ran to open it, when they opened it a jini came out from the bottle & said "Thank you all for saving me from that small bottle, for this help I will give you each a wish"
The American said "My family is waiting for me so please send me back to America!" then the jini said some magic words & the American dissappeared.
The Japanese said "Even my family also waiting for me so please send me to Japan!" again jini said the words & Japanese dissappeared.
"What is your wish?" asked the jini from Satharji.
"Oh man, its boaring here so please bring them back"
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my more...
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES... THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49. 73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida`s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the more...
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6: 00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6: 30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6: 00 and crap every morning at 6: 30.
So what's so tough about being more...
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.