Out Jokes / Recent Jokes

Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

6. 00& G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8. 30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9. 00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11. 00 Jihad`s Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12. 00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12. 30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world.
13. 30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14. 00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14. 30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15. 00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.`Starter for ten, no praying.`
15. 30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the more...

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.
An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, Re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.
After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral: No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you
speak the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed more...

These two old men are in a nursing home. Theyre talking and realize that its been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "Im not going to waste my two best girls on these guys Ill just give them inflatable women. They are old and they wont know the difference." Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didnt move or anything." The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."

There was a blonde named Candi. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. So one day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.

With her new car, she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well, thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what... I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"Okay," replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.

"Sure."

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382."

"Wow!" said the herder, "That's amazing. You're exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep more...