Out Jokes / Recent Jokes
' WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK'
From the book,' Dave Barry Turns 50'
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe' Daylight Saving Time'.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a more...
Sven & Olaf were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter', he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
Vell', replied Olaf,' I got it from my Genie'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.
Could I see him?' asked Sven.
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Sven says,' Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will', says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million more...
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top
of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car
and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to
survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He more...
You might be from the Northwest if you:
Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
Use the expression "sun break" and know what it means.
Know more than 10 ways to order coffee (and know different parts of town by the espresso joints).
Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
Complain about Californians, as you sell one your house for twice its value.
Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's.
Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.
Consider swimming an indoor more...
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun... any questions?
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practic ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back more...
ZIPPERGATE IN MOVIE TITLES PG 13
Subject: Executive Decision, True Lies, Beauty and the Beast,. ...
**Disclaimer: The following story, though based on a true story contains altered or questionable facts and statements. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, if in fact there are any. **
This is The Never Ending Story of a 9 To 5, Working Girl, and The American President. The latter of whom offered the former an Indecent Proposal. It seems this Top Gun was Addicted To Love, to Youngblood. He had a Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction, for this Pretty Woman, this Babe. He liked to Kiss The Girls, and liked Boys On The Side.... but that's Oliver's Story.
Casual Sex? No, she saw Career Opportunities, The Sure Thing. She had Great Expectations.
It was to be a Close Encounter Of The Third Kind, a Mission Impossible. We're talking Risky Business, Dangerous Ground. Till now she'd played The Saint, but this would be Unforgiven, more...