Often Jokes / Recent Jokes
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any
opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
1) Drink liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a
subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy.
You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly
upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2) Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying more...
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Cry. Cry often.
3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
4. Make them apologize for everything.
5. Get mad at them for everything.
6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
9. Criticize the way they dress.
10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Then compare and contrast.
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once. If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on vacation. If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine. If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. If ’success’ consisted simply of not taking chances, then ‘glory’ would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent. If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.
Fantasy Fist Fight- noun. 1. a fictional battle waged between two or more entities. these entities may be people (living, dead, or fictional), animals, deities, forces of nature, etc. 2. a game often played by adolescent males who are in dire need of female companionship.
Today's Fights:
1. Hugh Hefner Vs. Thousands of Bees (Hefner gets a pesticide gun):
One's every man's dream: rich, cool, and surrounded by beautiful women. The other's a swarm of deadly insects aiming to take him down. Has the founder of Playboy magazine finally met his match? To make things a little more even, we'll give Hef a gun that shoots a pesticide blend. It should take out about 50 bees per shot. But all the viagra and silicone in the world won't stop a tremendous swarm of killer bees (i think...). Fight ends with the bees delivering enough stings to Hefner's body that he is killed almost instantly. In his honor, his family begins the "Hugh Hefner Society to Test Bee more...
You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: You then enter: . If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these more...
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet more...