Official Jokes / Recent Jokes

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

A young, enthusiastic Family Planning official was deputed to gauge the success of the Family Planning message in rural Bihar.
He reached a remote village which proudly housed a family of eight children. On reaching the house, he saw the father lazily enjoying a hookah in the shade of a neem tree. In a dignified manner the official introduced himself, and asked "Sir, hadn't you thought about our Family Planning methods before you had these eight kids!"

"Why should I?" he replied angrily. "The methods are all useless!" jeered the hefty Bihari.

"But, Sir, have you tried using condoms?" enquired the official.

Without responding to his question, the Bihari called two of his children rowing in the dirt. "Oye, Bablu, Dablu, come here!" Then he addressed the official. "Can you see them! They are the result of a torn condom!"

Saving his pride, the official replied, "Ok, Sir, you more...

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

Copied from Ann Lander's Column:
Landers: Santa's 'official' visit has special Claus in military directives.
DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. - Steve Online
Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:
This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.
To: All Retired Military Personnel
Subject: Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:
No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
Personnel will settle their brains for more...

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

(Forwards at the Betty Ford Clinic for Y2K compulsives. ..)
Press Release: For general release
Date: December 9, 1998
REDMOND, WA (API) - MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rooters) Incredibly, it now appears that over the last five years the White House actually issued these official knee-pads to all female interns between the ages of 18 and 29.

'It's something we haven't seen since the Kennedy Administration,' Landford Phlegm, official White House historian, said yesterday.' What a guy! It only proves he isn't in it to meet heads of state.'

But since the scandal broke, the White House has sought to rid itself of its surplus.' We had several hundred pair on hand,' one aide reported.' Enough to last until the year 2000. Well -- almost enough.'