Official Jokes / Recent Jokes

I read the news today (oh boy!) that Pluto is no longer an official planet. After years of being one of the planetary gang, followed by additional years of contentious debate by astronomers who seem to have nothing better to do with their time, Pluto was (to paraphrase the slogan of a tiresome reality show) voted off the universe.

Honestly, I always loved Pluto as a planet. Being the smallest of the bunch and the furthest from the Sun, Pluto always seemed like the plucky underdog of the heavens. In fact, no one even knew it was there until 1930 – and it took an amateur astronomer to find it, no less (all of the so-called professionals didn’t even know it was there). Plus, it moved to its own drumbeat: rather than run in parallel orbit with the other planets, it had the audacity to cut off Neptune and muscle in on its orbital path.

I can also sympathize with Pluto for being told it’s not good enough to belong. Hell, I think everyone’s been in a situation like more...

On Sept. 7, Pluto, the former 9th planet was assigned the asteroid number 134340 by the Minor Planet Center, the official organization responsible for collecting data about asteroids and comets in our solar system.

On September 8, the Major Planet Center gave Pamela Anderson's breasts (formerly asteroid numbers 38A-22-34 and 38B-22-34), official planet status. They will now officially be known as Sweeeeeet and ZaZaZowie.

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

A government official was arrested for accepting a bribe from a contractor. A friend who went to visit him in the lock-up asked, "How are you going to get out of this mess?"
The official replied calmly, "I got into trouble for accepting a bribe; I will get out of it by giving it."

Corruption is the favourite topic in the Central Hall of Parliament where reputations of the high and mighty are sold for the price of a subsidized masala dosa.
A recent corruption debate was summarized by a journalist to a friend in the following words:' What you give to the minister is a nazrana (offering); to an official a shukrana (thanksgiving); to the clerk a mehantana (work compensation) and to the chaprasi, baksheesh (tip).'
'But baksheesh does not rhyme with nazrana, shukrana and reduce mehantana,' the friend protested.
The journalist paused for a while, plucked a hair out of his sparse beard and replied:' In that case, call the chaprasi's share a shurooana (beginning) or card pahunchana, because he is the first to introduce you to the clerk, official and the minister.'

Copied from Ann Lander's Column:
Landers: Santa's `official' visit has special Claus in military directives.
DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. -- Steve Online
Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:
This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.
To: All Retired Military Personnel
Subject: Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit: No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
Personnel will settle their more...

During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at that time was that the guy's insane.
Now, with Communists gone, a special commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was sane and all right.
So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away.
No problem.