Object Jokes / Recent Jokes

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with a direct object.

Johnny: Teacher, everybody thinks you're beautiful.

Teacher: Thank you, Johnny, but what is the object?

Johnny: A good report card.

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object."What is that?" Mikey asked. "Its a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked."Its a thermos," Mikey replied."What does it do?" they asked."Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.""What do ya got in it?"To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, more...

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.

An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".

Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.

A Santa goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks
the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a
thermos flask."
The Santa then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The Santa says, "I`ll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His Santa`s boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object
with you?"
He said, "It`s a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Santa replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.