Number Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.

Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1.

Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.

Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.

Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.

Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control more...

These are the services offered at Mihin Lanka.
MENU: No western food is available. Only kekulu hale buth, indi appan, kurakkan pittu, kurakkan thalapa, pathola maluwa, parippu maluva and fried wel malu. Kiri peni and Hambantota kalu dodol are available for dessert.
BEVERAGES: No imported wines. You have a choice between' pol raa' (toddy) and' kashiya' (aka katukambi and suduwa).
IN FLIGHT MAGAZINE: A copy of Mahinda Chinthana
SMOKING: This is a non smoking flight but beedis are allowed. You can also enjoy a bulath vita. Please be careful when you open the window to spit.
IN AN EMERGENCY: You will find Buddhist monks chanting' Ithpiso bhagava...' in the screen in front of you
CLASSES: FIRST CLASS (Renamed Mahinda Class) Has only two seats and they are permanently reserved for Mahinda maama and his wife.
BUSINESS CLASS (Renamed Basil class) Reserved for Ministers, but only a limited number of ministers can be allowed due to the limitations in the more...

Three men walk into a cheap hotel. The hotel clerk looks at them strangely and asks if they want seperate rooms. The men decline politely, and eventually get checked in.
After a while they call up what they thought was room service and a sexy sounding woman answers. She asked what service he wanted. The first man said a hand job. A minute later there was a knocking at the door. The man answered and a gorgeous brunette appeared, and he had the best hand job ever. The other two men looked on in admiration
The second man called up the same number and asked for a blowjob. Two minutes later up came a gorgeous blonde and gave him the best blowjob he ever had.
The third man was rather cocky, and he decided he would beat the other two mens requests. He called up the number, and a very seductive sounding woman answered. He asked for a pussy to stick his dick into. ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door and he anxiously answered the door. There standing was the ugliest more...

A teleconference between the media and Central Florida football coach George O'Leary was canceled Monday because school officials accidentally gave the number for a phone sex line instead of the teleconference number. Members of the media initially became suspicious since the answer to every one of their questions was "Yes, yes, YES!!!"

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.
"Have you tried WIFE?" he replied.