Murdered Jokes / Recent Jokes

A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspects a cereal killer.

How was the hamburger murdered? First it was rolled, then smothered in onions

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. .. Can I see your vehicle registration
papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Sto! le it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner & got
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your more...

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting worried. "You what!?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, more...

Drew Peterson was arrested and charged with first-degree murder inthe 2004 death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio, after a new autopsy determinedshe was murdered. Peterson has also beenidentified as a suspect in the disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy Petersonwho went missing earlier this year. Petersonhas pleaded not guilty to both charges. The trial has been delayed since his character witnesses, his first andsecond wives, cannot be located.

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report... his own murder. The man told the operator he had been "murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes." Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. "It was obvious he hadn't been murdered," said one of the arresting officers.NO... WE'RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOUTwo wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes - including a boa constrictor - hidden in the men's pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling more...

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's
OLD
NEW
conservative-reactionary
the establishment-white power elite
hearing person-temporarily aurally abled
sighted person-temporarily visually abled
blind-visually challenged
mute-vocally challenged
deaf-aurally challenged
dead-metabolically different
alive-temporarily metabolically abled
ugly-aesthetically challenged
fat-gravitationally challenged
heavy-set-people of mass
rude-politically correct
psychopath-socially misaligned
crooked-ethically challenged
klutzy-kinesthetically challenged
bald-follicularly challenged
short-differently statured
non-white, non-male oppressed-white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
white male-oppressor
black-african-american
asian-asian-american
afro-american-african-american
minority group-numerically challenged group; under-represented population
black-person of more...