Mph Jokes / Recent Jokes
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,' Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink, Don't Park - Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed. .. Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken. . Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My more...
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there an ything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got more...
A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the more...
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,' Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says,' I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says,' I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says,' I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says,' I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.' The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,' Is there anything you want?' The husband says,' No, I've got everything I need right here.' She asks,' What's that?' The husband more...
There's a guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a man stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town.
The guy says, yeah. He hops in and the driver says, what about your camel?
The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town.
So the driver starts driving, he gets up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He says to the guy, hey buddy you know your camel is behind us.
The guy says, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little.
The driver speeds up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and looks behind him and again sees the camel. He says to the guy, your camel is still there.
The guy says, he knows the way, speed up a little.
So the driver speeds up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and looks behind him, and looks at the guy and says, hey buddy your camel hes looking pretty rough.
The guy says, oh yeah, what's more...