Moment Jokes / Recent Jokes
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked.
The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.''
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.''
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.''
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?''
How To Be A Cultist:
Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable
decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil
priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this
growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for
Cultists.
1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of
the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct
pronunciation of your deity+s name in the privacy of your own room
before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight+ it
attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various
supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during
thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress
this more...
A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed onto the bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."
The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?" After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."
I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to more...
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"What, Triple filter?"
That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right, all right" said Socrates. "So you don't really know whether it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the more...
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."