Midlife Jokes

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full... of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans... we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the more...

Midlife crisis is that moment you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age.

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:
If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.