Microwave Jokes / Recent Jokes

Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.

Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish.

He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest more...

Customer: "I have Microword Soft."

Customer: "Microwave Windows?"

Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"

Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."

Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."

Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."

Customer: "Uhh... I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."

Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."

Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."

Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft`s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv. dinn.//08. 5min@@50%heat//

Then enter:

ms//start. cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your more...

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:1. Make sure the man is conscious.2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."
The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."
The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."
The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."
Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber more...

> MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT
>
> You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
> accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
> anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
> infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
> smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good
> > it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the
> oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
> mstv. dinn.//08. 5min@50%heat//
>
> Then enter
ms//start. cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
>
> If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
> will set itself and cook the dinner.
>
> Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
> oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
> dinner
> from the oven and more...

Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through. Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

*--------------------------------------*

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. more...