Mask Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave more...

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines...
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: more...

After being charged with breach of peace for wearing a ski mask in public, a Connecticut man has been wearing one around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is plotting mayhem. "I just want people to realize a person wearing a ski mask isn't always dangerous," he said, "and that's when I'll start mugging them."

A
man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot
gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the
girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow
your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe
door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies
nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!"
he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's
amazement it's her husband...
"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

I saw a guy wearing a pink gas mask today.

A pink gas mask says to everyone around, "Hey everybody, I'm gay, but i'm also prepared for a chemical attack!"

Either he's gay or some gay guy put it on him like "Queer Eye For the Apocalyptic Guy."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...." Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."