Male Jokes / Recent Jokes

Notice Of Increase In Tax Payments To All Male Taxpayers.
Gentlemen:
The only thing the government has not yet taxed is your "PECKER." Mainly because 98% of the time you pecker is out of work and the 2% it is in the hole. Moreover, it has two dependents who are both nuts.
Accordingly, beginning on April 1 of this year, your pecker will be taxed according to its size. Use the Pecker-Checker scale listed below to determine you tax.
Please insert the information on page 6, section P, subsection z, line 69 of your State Income Tax Form.
Very truly yours,
IRS
Addenum
PECKER-CHECKER SCALE
10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax $50. 00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $25. 00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15. 00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5. 00
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not request an extension.

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. more...

Bits of information to help you through the day:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm... )
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
The male more...

Janet was a first time contestant on the $65,000 television quiz show. So far, luck was on her side since she had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She had even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Janet agreed to return the following day and was extremely nervous as her husband drove them home.
"I just have to win tomorrow," she said, "I really wish I knew what the answer is! You realize I'm not going to be able to sleep at all tonight and will probably look horrible tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Robert, said reassuringly. "Everything's going to be fine."
Minutes after they arrived home, Robert grabbed the car keys and started to head out the door. "Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"I have one small errand to run," Robert replied. "I should be back soon."
After an agonizing two hour more...

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

NEW TAX LAW

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time is is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10-12'' Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10'' Privilege Tax $15.00
5-8'' Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12'' must file under Capital Gains.
Anyone under 4'' is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

***NOTE***
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

* Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
* What if one's penis is self-employed?
* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
* Are more...

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