"Least Popular Philosophical Questions" joke

30> Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of "Star Trek" conventions, would there be at least one with a life?

29> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling?

28> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls.

27> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can't move him?

26> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?

25> The sky's just BLUE, dammit! Get over it!

24> If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound?

23> What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad?

22> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese?

21> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo?

20> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?

19> If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

18> If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer?

17> How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin?

16> If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus' ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament?

15> If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)?

14> Why aren't the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves?

13> If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?

12> If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight?

11> Which came first -- the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?

10> Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a "Dragnet"?

9> Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows?

8> For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman?

7> If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long?

6> How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe?

5> If I am, do I drink?

4> What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question?

3> What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap?

2> If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list?

1> How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody?

Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department
From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
- Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
- Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey more...

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Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think more...

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Auburn Police
23400 block, 102nd Place Southeast - A woman reported that someone stole mail from her condo and, when she was gone, entered the place to tie her shoelaces together, tilt pictures on the walls and take snaps from her clothing. There had been no forced entries. more...

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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The more...

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