Silence Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A man joins a monastery and although he takes a vow of silence, he is permitted to say two words every seven years.
    After the first seven years have past, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words.
    "Cold floors," he says. The elders nod and send him away.
    After seven more years, they bring him in and ask for his two words.
    "Lousy food," he mumbles. Again, the elders nod and send him away.
    Another seven years pass and the elders bring him in and once more ask him for his two words.
    "I quit," he says, clearing his throat.
    "We're not surprised," says the elders, "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

    A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It`s the first time they`ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don`t like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that`s why!" "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn`t matter, you`re all alike!" There`s a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn`t sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, more...

    Three monks were meditating in the Himalayas to be away from the maddening crowds. One year passed in silence and the first monk said,' Pretty cold here.' Another year passed in silence and the second one said,' You know, you're quite right.' Another year passed and the third one said,' Look, I'm gonna quit unless you two stop bitching!'

    It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
    "Hello?" I said.
    A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
    I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
    I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
    "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
    "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
    Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
    "Is this Steve?"
    My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
    So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
    "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
    I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at more...

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    29> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling?

    28> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls.

    27> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can't move him?

    26> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?

    25> The sky's just BLUE, dammit! Get over it!

    24> If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound?

    23> What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad?

    22> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese?

    21> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo?

    20> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of more...

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