Magazines Jokes

If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
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WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth more...

You think about Korean martial arts everyday. You begin to sprinkle Korean words and phrases into your conversation. You have a Korean dictionary which you never use. When you see a magazine rack you quickly check for new martial arts magazines first and read the articles on Korean martial arts first. You always make it a point to check the martial arts section of the bookstore and look for Korean martial arts books first. You shop for clothes based on your ability to high kick in them. Adidas is your favorite sports clothing brand. You sewed your school patch onto your bathrobe. You tie your monogrammed bathrobe belt (which you never wash) into a square knot and then check to make sure the ends are exactly even. You open the refrigerator door with a roundhouse kick and shut it with a side kick. You develop a taste for Korean food and other Asian food as well. You develop an interest in Korean members of the opposite sex. You look more to your sabumnim/kwanjangnim for guidance and more...

Funny Quotes About Women
Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point. - Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward Abbey
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose Bierce
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night more...