Madam Jokes / Recent Jokes

A sailor arrives at port after having been at sea for six long months. Being extremely horny, the first thing he does upon setting foot on terra firm is to head straight to the nearest brothel. He goes right up to the madam and says,' How much?' The madam replies that her girls charge two hundred dollars and that she has only one immediately available. The sailor feels that this seems a bit pricey, but in his desperate condition he has no choice. He agrees to the terms and is shown upstairs to a room to await the arrival of the woman. When the hooker gets to the room, she opens the door only to find the sailor furiously jerking off.' Wait a minute!' cries the hooker.' What are you doing?' The sailor looks up at her and answers,' Hey, for two hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to let you have the easy one, do you?'

The morning after a senior judge passed away unexpectedly, the court house receptionist answered the phone. "Is Madame Justice Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Justice Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Madam Justice Smith there?" repeated the caller.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Justice Smith passed away last night."

"Is Madam Justice Smith there?" asked the caller again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Justice Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new more...

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home.She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot.She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff."The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway.The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then more...

A trucker who has been out on the road for some weeks stopped into a brothel. Going up to the madam, he slapped $500 on the counter and said, "I would like your ugliest woman and a plain bologna sandwich."
Surprised by his strange request, the madam replied, "Sir, for that kind of money you could have my finest lady and a three-course gourmet meal."
"Listen, honey," the trucker replied, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick!"

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad more...

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as more...